Worthless!

Worthless like fallen Christmas trees;
Worthless as winter's withered seeds;
Worthless in your trusting eyes;
Worthless because you thought I didn't try.


Worthless because I can never be who you want me to be;
Worthless as your expectations loom large over me;
Worthless because you'll never be happy with anything I do;
Worthless because it's always the same story and that's my rue.


Your words hang like a noose around my neck,
Choking me, strangling me and I wish I'd break!
Your demands for a perfect me, by far outdo what I really see.
"I told you so", rings in my ears constantly.


"You're not good enough", "you're doing this wrong", 
"You're lazy" ...  now, are the eternal songs.
Unsure of myself at every step ...
 I try to hold back and keep a check.


I wait for some kind words and songs of praise;
Hoping someday ... I can meet your gaze.
I hope I wont be inconsequential and trivial anymore,
My falling self esteem will be a thing of the lore! 

Epic "OH NO" Moments!!

    All of us have had an awkward moment at some point of time in our lives. It could range from pure embarrassing to graceless, floundering moments! No one is proud of them and everyone tries to avoid having one as far as possible! But as much as you try, you sometimes do fall prey to these uncomfortable moments much to the delight of those watching. Most times, you can look back and laugh at these incidents until and unless you did something really stupid like throwing away a prize winning lottery ticket in a garbage bin (true story by the way) in which case it wasn't even an awkward moment; just a blunder perhaps! I've had several such momentous experiences for which I should've just locked myself up in my room and hid under a pillow. 


   I think my biggest claim to shame was the time when I drowned in a swimming pool (Yeah!!!! Like who drowns in a pool when you're learning to swim??) and they had to rescue me. This moment just got me thinking of other random awkward moments in life. So, here are the top 60 I could think of .....



                                  You know you're having an awkward moment when: 
  


1. You ride an elevator with people you don't know .... worse still, when you are the ONLY person with another human in that elevator!
2.  You greet someone with a handshake but they go in for a hug and your hand is left in the air and instead finds their crotch! 
3.  You hold the door open for the person walking up behind you ... but you probably did not realize that the person was too far behind and you don't know if you should let the door go or just keep holding on! 
4. When you take your dog for a walk and it wants to "go" in front of a crowd of people . 
5. You unwittingly add someone to a message or an event you didn't mean to! Also, sending a text/email to someone that you were bitching about. 
6. You post something online with a very SERIOUS spelling mistake! I phone's are so popular for that! 
7. You have a foot-in-mouth situation... not literally because then that would just leave a bad taste in your mouth! 
8. You let go of some foo-foo rather loudly and everyone knows it's you! 
9. You go to someones house and they insist you see their family vacation photos .... mom and dad in swimming costumes ... TRAUMA!! 
10. Fail at a task that you're normally great at, that too after you've challenged the world that you can do it. 
11. Children will do exactly the opposite of what parents tell them to, in public.
12. You go visit the doc for annual body check-ups.
13. A stranger comes up to you and recognizes you and YOU, for the life of you, cannot remember him/her.
14. Your pants tear in public, making that ripping noise.
15. Someone points out to you that your fly is down! 
16. The teacher calls on you to answer a question in front of the class and you don't know the answer.
17. You trip in public!
18. Someone catches you listening to Rebecca Black's "Friday" on your I pod. (What is Rebecca Black doing on your I pod anyway?)
19. You are angry and screaming at the top of your lungs to make a point and the words come out all wrong! 
20. You are really the last person who didn't get that joke! 
21. Some people love to talk into your face from a one foot distance.
22. You call your teacher "mom/dad" in front of the whole classroom.
23. You try to drink out of a water spout and it spurts in your face!
24. You bump into your ex.
25. Someone points out that something is stuck in between your teeth.
26. You have those long pauses between conversations.
27. You turn your head and find someone staring at you OR you are staring at them and they catch you looking at them *Shudder*
28. You take down someones cell number but don't remember their names!
29. You are playing with a baby and don't know if if its a girl or boy and have to ask their parents. 
30. Teenage: acne, voices cracking, gawky looks ... the list is endless! 
31. You can't do simple math!
32. Someone asks you how the food they made was, and you find it difficult to lie.
33. A crow shits on you!
34. You miss a comma and it turns your sentence around for the worst! 
35. You're being sarcastic and the person believes you! 
36. You tell a joke and no one gets it!
37. You forget to pay someone and they have to remind you about it!
38. You're using someone else's poopy parlor and then it won't flush!
39. Someones taking a picture of only you in a roomful of people.
40. Someone catches your lie.
41. You receive a terrible birthday gift and you have to wear/use it in public.
42. The garbage collector is taking the trash out and you want to throw some garbage in the trash can.
43. Your friend is dating a jerk and you have to go out with them and be the third wheel.
44. You sit on a chair and it squeaks and people think you let go some gas!
45. You're talking to a person from a different culture and their names are cuss words in your language! 
46. You say "bye" and walk in the same direction.
47. You wave back at someone who it turns out was not waving at you.
48. Break wind in a public pool.
49. A booger manages to stay on the outside of your nose for everyone to view!
50. When you're in the middle of a conversation with someone and you zone out and then that person checks to see if you were listening. 
51. You fall asleep and start to droll in public view.
52. Your dress gets stuck in your behind when you get up from a seat.
53. Can't pronounce/spell everyday, regular words.
54. You try to talk after you've had an ice cream and your tongue can't pronounce correctly.
55. You are in a public restroom and your act of peeing is loud!
56. You tap some unknown person's shoulder, thinking it was someone you knew.
57. You call out to a fellow shopper for help thinking it was the salesperson.
58. You congratulate a woman on being pregnant and it turns out she's not! 
59. You ask your friend if the person they are with is their dad and they reply .... "that is my husband"! 
60. You figure out how most of these things have actually happened to you!  

That's where I want to be!

The soft sun on my face I feel, with mercurial drops from the rain that heal;

The breeze runs amok through my hair and into nothingness I crave to stare;

That's where I want to be, that's where I want to be!

Floating freely on a cloud, far away from the maddening crowd;

Watching the sun melt into the sea and lazily engage in my thoughts so free;

That's where I want to be, that's where I want to be!

Drift away like a frisky bubble, in my mind no more trouble;

Drown into the abyss of calm, grab hold of some time in my palm;

That's where I want to be, that's where I want to be!

Snuggled in your warm embrace, our eyes locked in a loving gaze;

Where we read each other's minds, our memories on constant rewind;

That's where I want to be, that's where I want to be!

But I'm jolted back to reality; factuality is a painful misery;

There's never an escape route well planned, to take me to my wonderland;

I wish I were in another place, where happiness I wouldn't have to chase;

I can only dream about a life so good ... I'd really try to if I could;

For now, here's where I'll be, forlorn, here's where I'll be!

Desolate Desires

Alone and lonely
Time flies by but I feel every secluded minute


Loud silences and long-drawn pauses
The essence of existence


Every breath feels laborious ... so quiet and indignant
I hold my breath to feel some exigency 


I watch the world go about their lives
so rushed, so impatient and aloof


I wonder if they see me by my window
a tear at a time...I feel its warmth on my skin


I yearn a touch, a voice to banter
Savored moments of joyous fun 


I turn on the TV and let the voices drown my thoughts
Happy faces dot every screen


Soon you'll be here ... my hopes will take wings encore

But they'll be shattered not long before you're gone again. 

Why I write :)

Writing takes me places I've never been, makes me meet people 
I've never met, let's me hold hands I've never held, makes me feel love I've never felt .... writing makes me nostalgic, brings back long, forgotten, warm memories, fills my heart with glee and makes me a better me :)

Hya Zhopadit Majhya

   I have severe stage fright! I just cannot for the life of me stand in front of an audience and talk, perform or look normal. I start sweating, I look hassled, my knees start to buckle under my weight, I shiver, my heart races and I start fumbling. So, for such a person, taking an oral test in school was one of the biggest challenges in life!


   Way back, when I was in school, we used to have something called the "orals" where students had to by-heart (Our education system really needs to get rid of this rote system) paragraphs, poems and verses from textbooks and on an assigned day, without looking from the book, say it aloud in front of the teachers and  about 60 students. Easy for some ... Death to me!


   As soon as the dates for the orals would come out, I would start having nightmares, sleep was a distant reality and food wouldn't go down my throat. I practiced day in and day out,; in front of mirrors, in front of my mom, I would recite it to dad and even my dog. It's not like I din't know what I was saying or that I had trouble memorizing it but every time I had to recite these verses or poems, I would draw a blank! In my head, they were perfect but as soon as they came out of my mouth, the words would sound like a gargled mess of sounds!


  One such year, in my 7th grade, we had our Marathi orals. I love poetry in any language and can appreciate the thought and nature of the verse. My favorite Marathi poetry of all times is "Hya Zhopadit Majhya". I love how deep and insightful it is yet the poet uses the simplest words to elucidate his point--that is the charm of this poetry. It talks about the simplest things in life and how one can find happiness anywhere if they want to.


  Cut the chase to D-day. I was prepared...I had all my poems and paragraphs down to the "T". I was silently hoping that the teacher would ask me to recite "Hya Zhopadit Majhya". There I am, sitting in class, already nervous and wanting to throw up and then the teacher calls my roll number (I was always roll number 1 ...thanks to my surname). The entire class falls silent and the teacher, surprisingly, asks me to recite anything I want. I meekly tell her "Hya Zhopadit Majhya". "Speak up louder", she says, "I can't hear you". Then she asks the boy sitting on the last bench of the classroom if he heard what I had said and he says "No" which means I have to be loud enough for him to hear me. By now, I'm already ready to faint and the test hasn't even begun yet!


  Horror of horrors, she tells me to turn around and face the class and recite it to them. I stand up, clear my throat and start mumbling. "LOUDER", she yells! I try and fail. She walks up to me and asks me if I actually did study and if I know my poetry by-heart. I nod. I try again and fail again. This time she's really pissed and asks another teacher to come in and mocks at my inability to speak in front of the class. Like this wasn't enough, I am further humiliated which causes me to choke up. My teacher then told me to sit down and gave me some grace time to study the poetry again while she tested all the other students. One after the other, all of them came up to the front of the class and recited their verses, paragraphs and poems. Some did great....some didn't!


   In the meanwhile, I was silently weeping at my desk and feeling sorry for myself that even though I knew my work, I just couldn't say anything. I was also beginning to freak out that she might have already taken down some points for this behavior. I imagined my parents being very angry when I would show them my report card that clearly said in bold, red ink, "0". Soon after, it was my turn again. By now the class was empty and she's pretty much exhausted after testing 59 kids. Least of all now, she din't want to waste time over me. "Start", she said. This time, I was determined to say the poetry like it was meant to be said. I start to and blank out! The teacher was so frustrated by now that she walked over to me and asked me what the matter was. I told her I had stage fright. She told me to face the wall and recite the poetry. This time, I recited it like a pro. I think we both were relieved at that. I did get full marks for that but I am not proud of it. I just wish I could've done better. For the rest of my life, that poetry was etched in my memory forever, not only because I love it but because of what happened when I tried to recite it!


    So, what's the point of this post? Well, years have passed since this memory. I had long forgotten the words to this beautiful poetry; I only remember it in parts and as much as I tried, I couldn't find it anywhere. I asked a few people even and no one seemed to know the entire poetry. Tonight as I was surfing the net, I saw "Marathi poetry" in one of my searches and clicked on it. It was a forum where people were discussing their favorite childhood poems and someone wrote about how "Hya Zhopadit Majhya" was their favorite poetry and that how he had blanked out on stage while trying to recite this poetry. It was so bizarre! For a moment when I read his post, I almost became that 7th grade kid again, nervous and choking in front of the class. All the memories came rushing back but I also felt a longing to recite this poem again. This time .... to myself, to feel better and to feel confident. I looked it up and found one YouTube video which had a man reciting this poetry. I quickly jotted it down so that I never lose it again and so that I always have it with me to remind me that it is very important to find peace within oneself and that it is only this inner peace that brings about the humbling confidence in a person.

Hya Zhopadit Majhya

Rajas ji Mahali, Soukhey kadhi milali,

Ti sarva prapt zhali, hya zhopadit majhya

Bhoomi vari padave, taaryan kade pahave,

Prabhu naam nitya gaave, hya zhopadit majhya

Paharey and tijorya, tyatooni hotey chorya,

Daras nahi dorya, hya zhopadit majhya

Jaata tya mahala, Majaav shabad aala,

Bheeti na yavayala, hya zhopadit majhya

Mahali mau bichaney, kandeel shamdaney,

Amha zameen maney, hya zhopadit majhya

Yeta tari sukhey ya, jaata tari sukhey jaa,

Konvari na boja, hya zhopadit majhya

Pahoon saukhya mazhey, Devendra tohi laajey, 

Shaanti sada virajey, hya zhopadit majhya.

The last line is absolutely true ... "Shaanti sada virajey, ya zhopadit majhya" :)                                                        

Stories of a Displaced Kind

   Houses, homes, apartments, flats, studios--call them whatever you like but they instill a sense of belonging in you. As I sit writing this blog in my empty house, a sense of despair washes over me. It always happens. Every time I move from one apartment to the other or shift to a new place, I get the same feeling. However exciting it is to move to a new place and start life anew, it is equally difficult and saddening to leave your current home. There have been so many memories attached to this house that your new space just wouldn't be capable of giving; so many things that have happened, so many secrets you've shared with your house; things that are only sacred between your home and you, the sights, the sounds, the smells .... nothing will be the same again.


   Sans furniture, amidst bare walls, in empty spaces and around dark corners, I think of the wonderful times I've spent here, of all the people whom I've met and have visited me in this house, of the most precious memories that were born here, of how life changed and how it did for the better, of how I saw life as it was across the street, in the dorms and the precious, lonely moments I've had thinking of the future -- For all that and more -- Thank you #423 ... I'll miss you more than you ever know. 


P.S house: I hope your just as nice to the next person who lives here! :)

~ Frame-less walls, an empty space,

 A thankful thought, a memory to chase.

A hundred million stories left untold,

Barren, parched, empty and cold.