I have severe stage fright! I just cannot for the life of me stand in front of an audience and talk, perform or look normal. I start sweating, I look hassled, my knees start to buckle under my weight, I shiver, my heart races and I start fumbling. So, for such a person, taking an oral test in school was one of the biggest challenges in life!
Way back, when I was in school, we used to have something called the "orals" where students had to by-heart (Our education system really needs to get rid of this rote system) paragraphs, poems and verses from textbooks and on an assigned day, without looking from the book, say it aloud in front of the teachers and about 60 students. Easy for some ... Death to me!
As soon as the dates for the orals would come out, I would start having nightmares, sleep was a distant reality and food wouldn't go down my throat. I practiced day in and day out,; in front of mirrors, in front of my mom, I would recite it to dad and even my dog. It's not like I din't know what I was saying or that I had trouble memorizing it but every time I had to recite these verses or poems, I would draw a blank! In my head, they were perfect but as soon as they came out of my mouth, the words would sound like a gargled mess of sounds!
One such year, in my 7th grade, we had our Marathi orals. I love poetry in any language and can appreciate the thought and nature of the verse. My favorite Marathi poetry of all times is "Hya Zhopadit Majhya". I love how deep and insightful it is yet the poet uses the simplest words to elucidate his point--that is the charm of this poetry. It talks about the simplest things in life and how one can find happiness anywhere if they want to.
Cut the chase to D-day. I was prepared...I had all my poems and paragraphs down to the "T". I was silently hoping that the teacher would ask me to recite "Hya Zhopadit Majhya". There I am, sitting in class, already nervous and wanting to throw up and then the teacher calls my roll number (I was always roll number 1 ...thanks to my surname). The entire class falls silent and the teacher, surprisingly, asks me to recite anything I want. I meekly tell her "Hya Zhopadit Majhya". "Speak up louder", she says, "I can't hear you". Then she asks the boy sitting on the last bench of the classroom if he heard what I had said and he says "No" which means I have to be loud enough for him to hear me. By now, I'm already ready to faint and the test hasn't even begun yet!
Horror of horrors, she tells me to turn around and face the class and recite it to them. I stand up, clear my throat and start mumbling. "LOUDER", she yells! I try and fail. She walks up to me and asks me if I actually did study and if I know my poetry by-heart. I nod. I try again and fail again. This time she's really pissed and asks another teacher to come in and mocks at my inability to speak in front of the class. Like this wasn't enough, I am further humiliated which causes me to choke up. My teacher then told me to sit down and gave me some grace time to study the poetry again while she tested all the other students. One after the other, all of them came up to the front of the class and recited their verses, paragraphs and poems. Some did great....some didn't!
In the meanwhile, I was silently weeping at my desk and feeling sorry for myself that even though I knew my work, I just couldn't say anything. I was also beginning to freak out that she might have already taken down some points for this behavior. I imagined my parents being very angry when I would show them my report card that clearly said in bold, red ink, "0". Soon after, it was my turn again. By now the class was empty and she's pretty much exhausted after testing 59 kids. Least of all now, she din't want to waste time over me. "Start", she said. This time, I was determined to say the poetry like it was meant to be said. I start to and blank out! The teacher was so frustrated by now that she walked over to me and asked me what the matter was. I told her I had stage fright. She told me to face the wall and recite the poetry. This time, I recited it like a pro. I think we both were relieved at that. I did get full marks for that but I am not proud of it. I just wish I could've done better. For the rest of my life, that poetry was etched in my memory forever, not only because I love it but because of what happened when I tried to recite it!
So, what's the point of this post? Well, years have passed since this memory. I had long forgotten the words to this beautiful poetry; I only remember it in parts and as much as I tried, I couldn't find it anywhere. I asked a few people even and no one seemed to know the entire poetry. Tonight as I was surfing the net, I saw "Marathi poetry" in one of my searches and clicked on it. It was a forum where people were discussing their favorite childhood poems and someone wrote about how "Hya Zhopadit Majhya" was their favorite poetry and that how he had blanked out on stage while trying to recite this poetry. It was so bizarre! For a moment when I read his post, I almost became that 7th grade kid again, nervous and choking in front of the class. All the memories came rushing back but I also felt a longing to recite this poem again. This time .... to myself, to feel better and to feel confident. I looked it up and found one YouTube video which had a man reciting this poetry. I quickly jotted it down so that I never lose it again and so that I always have it with me to remind me that it is very important to find peace within oneself and that it is only this inner peace that brings about the humbling confidence in a person.
Hya Zhopadit Majhya
Rajas ji Mahali, Soukhey kadhi milali,
Ti sarva prapt zhali, hya zhopadit majhya
Bhoomi vari padave, taaryan kade pahave,
Prabhu naam nitya gaave, hya zhopadit majhya
Paharey and tijorya, tyatooni hotey chorya,
Daras nahi dorya, hya zhopadit majhya
Jaata tya mahala, Majaav shabad aala,
Bheeti na yavayala, hya zhopadit majhya
Mahali mau bichaney, kandeel shamdaney,
Amha zameen maney, hya zhopadit majhya
Yeta tari sukhey ya, jaata tari sukhey jaa,
Konvari na boja, hya zhopadit majhya
Pahoon saukhya mazhey, Devendra tohi laajey,
Shaanti sada virajey, hya zhopadit majhya.
The last line is absolutely true ... "Shaanti sada virajey, ya zhopadit majhya" :)
