Desolate Desires

Alone and lonely
Time flies by but I feel every secluded minute


Loud silences and long-drawn pauses
The essence of existence


Every breath feels laborious ... so quiet and indignant
I hold my breath to feel some exigency 


I watch the world go about their lives
so rushed, so impatient and aloof


I wonder if they see me by my window
a tear at a time...I feel its warmth on my skin


I yearn a touch, a voice to banter
Savored moments of joyous fun 


I turn on the TV and let the voices drown my thoughts
Happy faces dot every screen


Soon you'll be here ... my hopes will take wings encore

But they'll be shattered not long before you're gone again. 

Why I write :)

Writing takes me places I've never been, makes me meet people 
I've never met, let's me hold hands I've never held, makes me feel love I've never felt .... writing makes me nostalgic, brings back long, forgotten, warm memories, fills my heart with glee and makes me a better me :)

Hya Zhopadit Majhya

   I have severe stage fright! I just cannot for the life of me stand in front of an audience and talk, perform or look normal. I start sweating, I look hassled, my knees start to buckle under my weight, I shiver, my heart races and I start fumbling. So, for such a person, taking an oral test in school was one of the biggest challenges in life!


   Way back, when I was in school, we used to have something called the "orals" where students had to by-heart (Our education system really needs to get rid of this rote system) paragraphs, poems and verses from textbooks and on an assigned day, without looking from the book, say it aloud in front of the teachers and  about 60 students. Easy for some ... Death to me!


   As soon as the dates for the orals would come out, I would start having nightmares, sleep was a distant reality and food wouldn't go down my throat. I practiced day in and day out,; in front of mirrors, in front of my mom, I would recite it to dad and even my dog. It's not like I din't know what I was saying or that I had trouble memorizing it but every time I had to recite these verses or poems, I would draw a blank! In my head, they were perfect but as soon as they came out of my mouth, the words would sound like a gargled mess of sounds!


  One such year, in my 7th grade, we had our Marathi orals. I love poetry in any language and can appreciate the thought and nature of the verse. My favorite Marathi poetry of all times is "Hya Zhopadit Majhya". I love how deep and insightful it is yet the poet uses the simplest words to elucidate his point--that is the charm of this poetry. It talks about the simplest things in life and how one can find happiness anywhere if they want to.


  Cut the chase to D-day. I was prepared...I had all my poems and paragraphs down to the "T". I was silently hoping that the teacher would ask me to recite "Hya Zhopadit Majhya". There I am, sitting in class, already nervous and wanting to throw up and then the teacher calls my roll number (I was always roll number 1 ...thanks to my surname). The entire class falls silent and the teacher, surprisingly, asks me to recite anything I want. I meekly tell her "Hya Zhopadit Majhya". "Speak up louder", she says, "I can't hear you". Then she asks the boy sitting on the last bench of the classroom if he heard what I had said and he says "No" which means I have to be loud enough for him to hear me. By now, I'm already ready to faint and the test hasn't even begun yet!


  Horror of horrors, she tells me to turn around and face the class and recite it to them. I stand up, clear my throat and start mumbling. "LOUDER", she yells! I try and fail. She walks up to me and asks me if I actually did study and if I know my poetry by-heart. I nod. I try again and fail again. This time she's really pissed and asks another teacher to come in and mocks at my inability to speak in front of the class. Like this wasn't enough, I am further humiliated which causes me to choke up. My teacher then told me to sit down and gave me some grace time to study the poetry again while she tested all the other students. One after the other, all of them came up to the front of the class and recited their verses, paragraphs and poems. Some did great....some didn't!


   In the meanwhile, I was silently weeping at my desk and feeling sorry for myself that even though I knew my work, I just couldn't say anything. I was also beginning to freak out that she might have already taken down some points for this behavior. I imagined my parents being very angry when I would show them my report card that clearly said in bold, red ink, "0". Soon after, it was my turn again. By now the class was empty and she's pretty much exhausted after testing 59 kids. Least of all now, she din't want to waste time over me. "Start", she said. This time, I was determined to say the poetry like it was meant to be said. I start to and blank out! The teacher was so frustrated by now that she walked over to me and asked me what the matter was. I told her I had stage fright. She told me to face the wall and recite the poetry. This time, I recited it like a pro. I think we both were relieved at that. I did get full marks for that but I am not proud of it. I just wish I could've done better. For the rest of my life, that poetry was etched in my memory forever, not only because I love it but because of what happened when I tried to recite it!


    So, what's the point of this post? Well, years have passed since this memory. I had long forgotten the words to this beautiful poetry; I only remember it in parts and as much as I tried, I couldn't find it anywhere. I asked a few people even and no one seemed to know the entire poetry. Tonight as I was surfing the net, I saw "Marathi poetry" in one of my searches and clicked on it. It was a forum where people were discussing their favorite childhood poems and someone wrote about how "Hya Zhopadit Majhya" was their favorite poetry and that how he had blanked out on stage while trying to recite this poetry. It was so bizarre! For a moment when I read his post, I almost became that 7th grade kid again, nervous and choking in front of the class. All the memories came rushing back but I also felt a longing to recite this poem again. This time .... to myself, to feel better and to feel confident. I looked it up and found one YouTube video which had a man reciting this poetry. I quickly jotted it down so that I never lose it again and so that I always have it with me to remind me that it is very important to find peace within oneself and that it is only this inner peace that brings about the humbling confidence in a person.

Hya Zhopadit Majhya

Rajas ji Mahali, Soukhey kadhi milali,

Ti sarva prapt zhali, hya zhopadit majhya

Bhoomi vari padave, taaryan kade pahave,

Prabhu naam nitya gaave, hya zhopadit majhya

Paharey and tijorya, tyatooni hotey chorya,

Daras nahi dorya, hya zhopadit majhya

Jaata tya mahala, Majaav shabad aala,

Bheeti na yavayala, hya zhopadit majhya

Mahali mau bichaney, kandeel shamdaney,

Amha zameen maney, hya zhopadit majhya

Yeta tari sukhey ya, jaata tari sukhey jaa,

Konvari na boja, hya zhopadit majhya

Pahoon saukhya mazhey, Devendra tohi laajey, 

Shaanti sada virajey, hya zhopadit majhya.

The last line is absolutely true ... "Shaanti sada virajey, ya zhopadit majhya" :)                                                        

Stories of a Displaced Kind

   Houses, homes, apartments, flats, studios--call them whatever you like but they instill a sense of belonging in you. As I sit writing this blog in my empty house, a sense of despair washes over me. It always happens. Every time I move from one apartment to the other or shift to a new place, I get the same feeling. However exciting it is to move to a new place and start life anew, it is equally difficult and saddening to leave your current home. There have been so many memories attached to this house that your new space just wouldn't be capable of giving; so many things that have happened, so many secrets you've shared with your house; things that are only sacred between your home and you, the sights, the sounds, the smells .... nothing will be the same again.


   Sans furniture, amidst bare walls, in empty spaces and around dark corners, I think of the wonderful times I've spent here, of all the people whom I've met and have visited me in this house, of the most precious memories that were born here, of how life changed and how it did for the better, of how I saw life as it was across the street, in the dorms and the precious, lonely moments I've had thinking of the future -- For all that and more -- Thank you #423 ... I'll miss you more than you ever know. 


P.S house: I hope your just as nice to the next person who lives here! :)

~ Frame-less walls, an empty space,

 A thankful thought, a memory to chase.

A hundred million stories left untold,

Barren, parched, empty and cold.

Cold is the kiss of Death.

    The only thing that we can be certain about in this life is, well, death. As cold-hearted as it may seem, it is the truth. It is inevitable, unconquerable and foolproof. Dying doesn't just mean that your organs stop functioning or your heart stops beating. It is the end of life as you know it; it also suggests that you cease to exist. It means all the things you wanted to do and all people you wanted to meet, all your hopes, aspirations and dreams come to an end. 


     What is worse than death? Losing a loved one! There is nothing that compares to the loss of a friend, relative or pet. It is one of the most heart-wrenching and painful experiences of a human's life. The emotional loneliness that one deals with after the person is gone is unbelievable. 


      As ironic as it may seem, death doesn't always have to deal with life coming to an end. It is also very metaphorical. Sometimes a part of you dies; sometimes it is just the death of a vice and the emergence of a new beginning and sometimes it is the death of a relationship. 


      I have experienced two deaths today: One of a very close relative and the other of a very long and old relationship. Both very traumatic and difficult to get over. I'm sure over time I'll get over the fact that the cold hands of death snatched my relative away. However, it's going to be difficult to come to terms with the fact that it probably is time to let an old relationship go for no fault of mine. 


     I wish them both the best in the after-life and life, in general. I hope someday down the line, we can meet and sit and talk like the good old times. I hope we see how futile it was to ponder over the mundane things.


    I love you both from the bottom of my heart. I release you and wish you well! 




                      I have no will to weep or sing,
                      No least desire to pray or curse;
                      The loss of love is a terrible thing;
                      They lie who say that death is worse


                                                                          --Cullen


    

Letters to the mind and more!

      I've been having trouble focusing on the task at hand (May be I have ADD and don't know it!). Right now, that task is concentrating on my books because my exams are literally five days away! Instead of concentrating on my work, my mind decides to take a walk (very often) on the fresh green grass, under the blue skies where the air smells like chocolate. A wandering mind is especially dangerous when you have things to take care of. It becomes extremely difficult to tie my mind down and bring it back to my textbooks. I don't blame it for wandering; after all those textbooks ain't a carnival! 


      I have tried so many things to make it stay focused--punishments, rewards, coaxing, meditation, eating, sleeping, anger and even encouragement--NOTHING WORKS! The problem is, I have far too many thoughts in my head that are ready to jump out like a hungry tiger lunges at its prey. Today, I sat down and tried to comprehend what was the best solution to get these thoughts out of my mind. Answer--writing them down!! I thought if I could physically get these thoughts out of my system, I'd be in a better position to work on my books. 


    So for my own good and sanity, I decided to write to things, people and animals that have been on my mind. This may seem retarded to you but I promise it works! From time to time, I do write letters to various entities (including things) just because I cannot say these things out in public because of social etiquette and such! Here are a few things that I have been thinking about:


Letter #1 


Dear Mr. Mind,


         I would really appreciate it if you could stay focused on my books instead of wandering around aimlessly and thinking about that cute guy at work today.


Thank you,
Me.


Letter #2


Dear Cute boy,


   You look just like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. You will turn me into a pedophile. Try taking your charms elsewhere .... Unfortunately, I'm married. Not that anything would've happened otherwise but there would be no guilt there then!


Hopelessly in-love with your good looks,
Ms. Crushed.


Letter #3


Dear adorable puppy,


   I have seen you far too many times on my street (twice a day at least). I want to squeeze you (till you're out of breath) and bite you (because you're so edible!). You are so cute that it is in general hazardous to my well-being. You fkuc with my brain in ways you don't even know. I want you ... I want to hug you and I want to kidnap you. I cannot get enough of you. I wait at my window everyday at 7:30am and 5:00pm, just to catch a glimpse of you. 


Yours affectionately,
Cookiespaws.


Letter #4 


Dear wafting smell of freshly baked bread from Subway,


      Not that I'm on a diet or anything but I seriously don't have the money to buy you everyday and enjoy the delicious goodness that you are. You are especially fine on a cold, wintry, rainy morning .... so warm and exquisite to taste! Even if I did have the money to buy you everyday, I don't think I would like to see my body after three months of eating you. It is a sincere request...please don't waft into my window, building or elevator. You torture me!


Your fan,
Ms. Hungry.


Letter #5


Dear Stomach,


      Stop getting hungry every 10 minutes. You are making Mr. Body look ugly! Moreover, there are children on this planet who don't even get to eat .... You are so gluttonous that you could even eat those children! 


Thank you,
The person whose organ you are!


Letter #6


Dear Mr. Body,


    Stop accumulating all that fat inside of you ... I know you think it's time to hoard on all that lard for winter but I'm not really a Polar Bear who is hibernating. Also, it is not cold in the house ...we have heating you know. 


Regards,
A plump-me.


Letter #7


Dear Facebook,


   You're like an umbilical cord that was never cut ... I am happy I found you but seriously stop seducing me. 


Love,
The person who makes Zukerberg look good.


And finally,


Letter #8


Dear textbooks/notes/index cards/assignment papers/theory papers/research papers and "Contrastive Rhetoric",


          QUIT BEING SO BORING!!!!!! X-(  X-(  X-(


Sincerely,
A tired student.




Hoping this will help me get back to what I was supposed to do instead of wasting my precious time, writing a blog ... Not to say that blogging is a waste but you know what I mean. Oh well! Never mind! 
    








    

The things teachers do to motivate their students!!

     People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
- Zig Ziglar   


    As a part of my course, I am expected to do an internship with a school that teaches English to international students (ESL). Ever since I started interning, not a day has gone by which hasn't been memorable. My internship, in short, is a BLAST .... I love going there everyday and spending time with my students who barely know any English. They try really hard to pick up an alien language in a foreign world and in the process say and do the funniest things. They are what I call "humor in disguise" because they have no idea how funny they are and still have me in splits! 

   The class that teach/assist has 11 students, 10 of whom are Arabic native speakers and one who is Korean. They are all low level beginners and can barely form logical or sometimes coherent sentences. BUT they all try and that is amazing--to see them go at English like a hungry dog goes after a squirrel! 

   Since the past 3 weeks now, we've been having a particularly difficult time with this boy called "H" who I believe knows his work but doesn't care less if he doesn't know anything. He is always disrupting the class, talking in Arabic instead of English, slouching and sitting and sometimes even dozing off! Today, when we were in the Language Technology Center (LTC) (where the students do a lot of self-studying and revise their English with the help of special English language application programs and teachers only help them if they ask for help), H called me and told me he was taking a quiz (Each unit has a quiz at the end of the unit to test their ability in each sphere of English). I was very pleased! After a while he tells me, he wants to skip the "Speaking" section ... A little baffled, I sat down next to him and this is how the conversation went (with a lot of gesturing, repeating and emphasizing of words!):

H: I no do spaking.

Me: Why H? Is there a problem? Why won't you do the "speaking" (I emphasized on the wrong word) section. 

H: No "broblem" (Arabic speakers cant say "P" very well...they always say "B" instead!) .... just no do.

Me: But why H? Is it difficult for you?

H: I no know to spak ... If I spak I take ba-ad. (He meant a bad score at the end of the test)

Me: OK ....Why don't you try at least? It won't be so "bad" ... It will be easy! 

H: No try.

Me: But you would never know if you can or can't speak if you don't try.

H: * BLANK STARE *

Me: Please try .... It is OK if you no get good score (We have to "baby talk" to them sometimes to make comprehension easier)

H: But I dont vo-nt.

Me: If you no speak, you no get good score in your final test. Then S (our director) will fail you. You will repeat level 101 again. So you MUST try. 

H: (Looks at me reluctantly) but no good.

Me: (Thinking fast on how to get him to work on this test) OK ...I understand how difficult this is for you. Just like         me ...if I try to speak in Arabic. Correct?

H: Yes ... very haarrrd for you.

Me: Yes .... sooooo I will make a deal with you ....  You teach me 5 Arabic words everyday and I will learn them and tell you the next day. Understand?

H: *Looking excitedly * (I finally saw a spark in his eyes) ... Yes .. OK OK KOOOL!

Me: But ..... a deal is for two people; in between two people. You also have to promise me that you will do this Listening section now, do your homework everyday, study hard and not speak Arabic in class... DEAL?

H: ME everyday study ....

Me: No ...study harder...more study .... everyday study and get 4.0 GPA in all classes. 

H: 4.0???? Nooooo .... too haarrd! 

Me: Well then ... I no study Arabic.

H: Nooo... you Arabic study ... I give 5 word avery-day.

Me: Then you have to study English for me if I study Arabic. OK?

H: You shhu-ar?

Me: ABSOLUTELY! :D (Happy that this conversation was going somewhere) 

H: OK... I try listening secphun (section)

Me: SEC - TION.

H: Yes .. SEC - TION

Me: GREAT!!!! Thank you H. 

   H gets to his work--much more excited than before and finishes the task at hand! Next lecture, he comes to me and says that he did what he was supposed to and that I needed to learn 5 Arabic words. The class hours slipped by and when it was time to break for lunch ...I reminded H that he needed to teach me 5 words so that he could quiz me the next day. H was shocked and quite unbelievingly asked me if I would actually go through this .... "You learn Aah-rhaa-bic? No .. you jok!". "No", I said... I was serious. I wanted to show him that I could learn a new language, try really hard to learn it and to show him that I would overcome the language challenges that Arabic presented to me. I wanted to help motivate H to learn English. By me learning Arabic, it would show him that I'm putting as much effort in his native language as he is in English. He quickly agreed and gave me five words and an extra two in case I forgot a few words the next day! 

1. Marhabba = Hello/Hi

2. Kew-Al-Haal? = How are you?

3. Salaam va-ley-kum = More formal way of greeting ...especially older people. the answer to that would be "Valey-kum-asalaam" (Im fine thank you)

4. Habibi = My darling 

5. Ma Salaam = bbyee

6. Sabba-ey- Khair = Good morning

7. Tamam = I'm doing good/ fine 

Now, I have a test tomorrow and I will get to learn 5 more words. Let's see if H does his homework and studies a bit of English. If all goes well, "Inshallah" ... this plan will work!! *SIGH* the things teachers do to motivate their students!!! I just LOVE TO TEACH!!!!

***UPDATE***: It's been 24 hours since I wrote this blog and I wanted to share with you what happened this morning in class. As I walked in, H sees me and smiles at me with a raised eyebrow just to hint at our deal from the previous day. I smiled back and nodded indicating I had studied and was ready to be tried in the Arabic language court! 

   All day long, H was on his best behavior in class--he didn't speak a word of Arabic, if he had to he would explain his thoughts to his classmates in English only, he actually completed his homework and was observant and alert through the lectures! It was fantastic .... my plan was working!!! I did catch him cracking a joke or two in Arabic and laughing during LTC but that I overlooked and didn't mind. I only went up to him and whispered that our deal would be off if he spoke in Arabic. He immediately started apologizing earnestly and said, "Sarrry ... no do again. No deal off .... pleassssseeeeeeeeee". 

    I was happy to know that this deal meant something to him and he was actually willing to improve based on our deal. PREFECT! Just as I had hoped. 

    Later in the day, I did take a 5 word quiz on the Arabic words and am proud to say that I passed with flying colors in the various categories such as accent, stress, intonation, pronunciation and just memorizing according to H! Now for numbers from 0-10 for tomorrow .... Arabic's getting harder and harder!