Wham, Bam, Thank you Pam!

  *** I started this post out long back when I was still watching Bigg Boss intermittently in between my assignments and school! (Don't judge me! ... I no longer watch it) I was rather amused at what followed after Pam left the Bigg Boss house so decided to write about it..... but the post got left behind thanks to my lack of time and I might think lot's has already been written and said about this episode...... But since i already wrote it, be nice to me and read it ...pretty please?!
******************************************************************

     Which little teenage boy or adult male hasn't fantasized about Pamela Anderson's ample bosom when she ran on those pristine beaches in Baywatch? Nothing's changed in the following years!

     Pam Anderson was due to enter Bigg Boss to boost TRP's and boost she did. Clad in a bikini blouse, white saree, trying to ape the 'desi-girl' look ... she generated more TRP's in one night than all the 14 contestants could in the span of that show then. She walked into that house, greeting everyone politely and saying 'Namaste' in her American accent; she mingled for a bit and then went to her 'special' room to sleep which Bigg Boss had assigned to her (No! She didn't sleep with the other contestants in the unisex bedroom).

     The next day, without any hesitation, she started doing the chores around the house and learnt to make rotis and sabji and laughed and joked with the housemates. Ashmit Patel and  Hrishant seemed to be drooling over her literally and followed her around like little, lost puppy dogs! If that wasn't enough, the girls had to put up a show in the night which had Pam as the main dancer .... and what song should they choose for her?? .... Dhak, dhak karne lagga!!! Like they definitely couldn't give her a 'Radha kahe na jaale' or a 'Madhubaan mein Radhika nache re' ...they had to give her something that would make her artillery shoot at the audience even if they had been blind enough to not notice it! After a lot of heaving and tantalizing dance moves, the next day, she learnt a few Hindi words and sentences from Manoj Tiwari and later, was found sun bathing in hot, short shorts in the garden area with Ashmit ... how's that for riding the TRP bull?!

    Shortly after, she stealthily left the show (just as she had stealthily entered) and shook a leg (and lots more) with Sallu bhai on 'Munni badnaam hui'. That was her 3 day stint in Bigg Boss. She promised to take everyone to Hollywood and stay in touch with them. India LOVES PAM now!!! There's no going back!

May be you wanna blow up the pic to see it better! :P

   The press went crazy about Pam, writing articles after articles about her, on her, for her etc. .... you get the drift, don't you?! Then suddenly, out of nowhere our I & B ministry woke up! "CHOLBE NA", they yelled .... This Bigg Boss on T.V is way too indecent and maims our culture and tradition like a bear would maim a human being if he ever got hold of him in the wild! They thought children's delicate minds would be affected and house-wives may start acting like Pam in the house while men would sit back and watch the show and the upright, cultural-dignity upholders would not be able to do anything as they would watch their 'sanskriti' fall into a big pile of horse-shit!

   So they thought the best thing to do would be to change the slot timings of this cheap and disturbing reality show from prime time 9pm to 11pm. Somehow, this they thought would actually save our sanskriti and desi kids from falling into the pit-less ocean of vulgarity and indecency! They argued that since children go to bed early, they will not watch this show and be saved from it all. Right?

WRONG!

   Gone are those days when kids slept at 8pm right after dinner .... they sit and watch the idiot box with their parents till late in the night. Parents have no control over their children's decisions on TV viewing these days (just try stopping one of those teens...they might just commit suicide in protest .... its in fashion apparently these days!). Teens stay up late into the night anyways....changing the timings of the show ain't gonna be much of a help! And even if you have child lock on your TV sets, that's not going to be of much use because kids are intelligent and technology-friendly and will outsmart their parents! As far as I knew last, we were a democracy ...  so why does the ministry have the right to butt in and tell us what to watch and what not to? Who are they to tell people what is right for them and what isn't? This almost feels like Bal Thackeray's stupid take on Valentine's day!

    Perhaps one needs to jog their memory about Ranveer Kapoor's towel dropping scene, Kareena Kapoor's bare back in Kurbaan, John Abraham's near naked display of ample butt in Dostana and Vidya Balan's kiss with Arshad Warsi in Ishqiyaan!!! Are you seriously telling me that you can ban Bigg Boss and/or change slot timings and that will help but watching such stuff on the big screen will not harm their anyways overactive hormones at that age??? Do they think that kid's or anyone else don't have access to the internet and everything that's on there. Someone needs to give the censor board a tour of the internet to show them just how easy it really is to access any adult site. Besides, all the Bigg Boss episodes are on Youtube ...Take that ministry -- IN YOUR FACE!! Are you now going to ban the internet as well? Regulate usage and viewing like certain countries? The more you try to ban such shows, the more curiosity you generate towards them and eventually you're doing them a favor!

   Probably the only thing left to do is be an adult about it and talk to your kids and tell them that certain kinds of viewing are not yet age appropriate (Of course your kids will revolt, rebel and refuse to listen to you but that's when you club their heads and drill sense into 'em). Also, channels could be a little more responsible and try to maintain public morality and not just race after TRP's and money (Well, I just re-read that and it sounded ridiculous! Which TV channel in their right minds would do that?!).

  Point is, there's no winning this debate .... channels will air ridiculously objectionable content and there's not a thing anyone can do about it because 90% of our sex-starved country wants to view it anyways! So, I say let's stop pretending and go back to viewing Bigg Boss at 9pm!

  So,thank you Pamela Anderson for creating an additional furore in the country with your bazookas ... not like we don't have don't have enough on our national plates anyways!


P.S: The court gave Bigg Boss a reprieve to maintain the same time slot and therefore it stays on prime time.
P.P.S: Everyone is still watching the reality show and it kinda is still gaining its TRP's .... this time thanks to foul-mouthed, loud Dolly Bindra. I've heard half of the nation went deaf ever since she's been on the show!
P.P.P.S: Pam is back in the U.S of A and enjoying her Mai Tai with Heff in the Play boy house!

  

      

The day I ruined Christmas for a little girl!

***** WARNING ******

Before you start reading, I would like to warn you about the implications that this post might have on you. For one, you might be jolted back to reality and might hate me for bursting your childhood bubble about a certain person who might not be real! Two, you might hate the fact that this post gets ugly somewhere down the line and might hate me for having such a perverse brain and might not want to be my friend anymore (Apparently I'm at a loss both ways! Way to go Genius!!) ...So don't read this if you don't want the above things to happen but pretty please do read it because no one reads my posts anyways!

Those who still want to read this ....... now is the time to shift your eyeballs in the downward direction and scroll the page!

**********************************************************************************

This post has a lot to do with the Christmas-y spirit around me right now. I was in a store the other day buying some gifts for my friends (Yeah! I'm sweet like that ... I just hope they have gifts for me as well...otherwise this is definitely not going down well!) And suddenly I hear this little kid pestering his mother to buy him a toy that he saw on the shelf. The mother was turning a deaf ear to him and probably thinking in her head "Why GOD, did I have this child?” Anyways, a few more nagging minutes pass and the mother got so angry at her little kid that she turned around and snapped at him. The poor fellow didn't know what hit him.... of course he also had a bruised ego since she yelled at him in front of everyone in the store. So mommy realizes what she's done since now everyone is staring at her for being such a B**** to her son. She turns around to her half 'silently-weeping' son and tells him that she can't get him the gift because Santa Claus has promised to get him the same gift for Christmas and he will get it for him ONLY IF he is a 'good boy'!!!! (Nice save mommy!)

GAME--SET--MATCH, MOM! The little guy was ecstatic and he promised to be good and asked her when she thought Santa would come home. Mom smartly replied that Santa would only come when he fell asleep on the eve of Xmas (Xmas makes me wonder what does the "X" have to do with the abbreviation of Christmas?! nevermind...) and that Santa would drop his gift in the stocking that he had put up on the side of his bed. The little child was over the moon..... He literally was acting from there on like a child on crack (not that I support children who are on crack or nor will I ever give my own flesh and blood crack but it is funny to imagine children on crack! OK...don't judge me!).

I was watching from a distance and thinking to myself how clever the mom was but also feeling sorry for her because we all know that now she would have to buy her son that gift, gift wrap it and make sure she's stealthy enough to creep into her kid's room in the dead of the night and quietly place that gift in the stocking, make sure she eats the cookie and drinks the milk that the kid set out for the 'real Santa' so that the kid thinks he really came (also she's thinking, Damn! this holiday weight and now I have to have this cookie in the middle of the night... there goes my 26' waist!), and then tip toe outside of his room and go to bed and pretend like nothing happened and then wake up really early in morning because her kid will eventually wake her up at 5am thanks to the night-long excitement that has pent up inside of him and then put up a happy face for her son when he finds his present! Whew!! A mother's job is really tough!

Parents have to try really hard at keeping this major secret... a secret lest someone poisons their child's mind and tells them he doesn't exist! Not only will that crush their little hearts but then how are they ever going to make good children out of them if there is no Santa? How will they bribe them to finish their homework and not beat up the kids on the block, how will they ever learn to respect their parents or say their "Pleases" and "Thank you’s", how will they EVER get them to eat their vegetables and not try to kill Grand-ma in her sleep?! HOW? There lies the worthiness of Santa's existence! I truly believe that Santa only exists, not because children love the old fat man, but because parents want him to exist to make their lives simpler! I will never know what will happen to that child when he finds that gift or finds out in the dead of the night that Santa is not really a fat, old, hairy man but a thin, half-dead looking woman who strangely resembles his mother!!

That brings me to the real story of how I ruined a child's belief in Santa! So sue me!!!! But someone had to do the dirty work ...it's not like they wouldn't realize this when they grew up!

Many years ago when I was 8 years old ... I loved Christmas. It was that time of the year when everything was merry--there were lights everywhere, the markets were full of goodies that I craved for (but would never get!), there were plum/rum cakes to be devoured, Santa Claus with his bell at every big store and then you could go sit on his lap and make a wish, candy to eat and the best of all ... no school! Vacations always made me happy because I could be the wild-child that I really was, again! So, in short I loved Christmas and it was all very festive, fun and happy.

I also had a best friend back then who was 5 years old then and half Christian. Christmas was BIG at their place. Her mom made sure the festivities were in order. Three days before Xmas, I was slumped in her couch and playing with her dolls when her mom came in and asked her what she wanted for Christmas. My ears perked up ... this could be beneficial for me in the long run. I could get to play with her toys eventually! Slowly but shyly (she was a nice girl ... very non-wild-child unlike me!), she asked for one of those dolls that could open and shut their eyes and had a pacifier in their mouths which when removed would make the little baby doll cry and say, "Mama, Mama, mama" (pretty lame huh but very ‘happening’ back then!). My friend looked mighty proud at her choice. Her mom told her to write a letter to Santa and ask him for the baby doll because she had apparently been good that year. My friend did and posted it to Santa, addressed NORTH POLE!

Three days we lay in wait (I say 'we' because I was a little jealous and also wanted that toy for myself!). Finally, two days before Christmas, I asked my mom if Santa really comes and gives kids gifts if they have been nice. My mom indulged me and said that he did come. So I asked her if I would get a gift too ... "NO" came the reply! My little child mind went into overdrive wondering what I did wrong ... of course I knew what I had done wrong ... I just wasn't going to believe that I did and was trying to silence my conscience! I was hurt at how quickly my mom replied in the negative so I asked her 'why' ... She said, I was not studying enough and that I wasted too much time playing with the street dogs all day -- So no presents from Santa! I was moping all day till a lot of ants in my balcony distracted me and I sat watching them carrying food back and forth (Seriously, I'm not retarded). Evening came and something in my mom's heart stirred. She probably felt pity for me and decided to fix the situation with ice cream! She decided to take me out to chocolate vanilla candy stick ice cream ...yumm! When we were getting out of home at 7pm, we met my friend's parents on the street. Pleasantries were exchanged and everyone asked each other where they were off to. My mom said that I was moping all day so she was taking me out to ice cream (really, she was trying to wipe out the guilt in her heart for stabbing a huge electric-pole sized spear in my little heart!) and then my mom asked my friend's mom and dad where they were off to ... they said to the market to buy my friend her Christmas gift while she was asleep at home. WAIT A MINUTE ..... did they say 'gift for my friend for Christmas'?????? DID THEY????? Why, I thought Santa was gonna get that gift for her. Something was very wrong..... very wrong! I heard some more ... my friend's mom was complaining how expensive everything was these days and how they had to get her a gift otherwise she would throw up a storm and also thankfully, they knew what she wanted because she wrote and posted a letter to Santa … HOW CUTE!

DAMN!!! This was like getting hit by a bus while having ice cream and dreaming about unicorns and rainbows and such shit and then when the bus hits you, you realize how you had to do so many more amazing things in life and how your life has been cut short and that now you can’t put it to serve others in need and all that crap and be AWESOME like Mother Teresa! * SIGH * NOW I KNEW ... I knew SANTA wasn't real .... forget real, he didn't even exist!!!! And it was mommies and daddies that got gifts for their children. My life was enveloped with sadness and horror! My world came crashing down because now I knew that I would never get another gift in my life because my parents would definitely never buy it for me and since Santa didn't exist, there was no hope left for me anyways! That evening the ice cream didn't taste that good.

The next day (eve of Christmas), I went to play as usual at my friend's. She went on ranting about how Santa would come in the night and leave her the gift she had always wanted, how awesome it would be to play with it every day, how she would comb her hair and dress her up ... at this point my blood is boiling because of that little jealousy thing we spoke about and also because Santa wasn't real. This kid had to know the truth otherwise it would ruin her life later when she realized the farce behind it all! So, I TOLD HER! (Get that look off your face!) ...I did what was right and what felt good in my heart. My heart was feeling icy cold and suddenly after I told her, it was getting warm and fuzzy! I told her Santa wasn't real, that her parents got her the gift and were planning to act like Santa for her but he really didn't exist! She was shattered and of all the things I had not imagined her to do (I thought she would hug me and thank me for showing her the real truth and how farcical her parents were!), she did cry and very loudly ... enough to shatter not only ears but also window panes! Obviously, that got her mother from the kitchen and that was the end of me. I was forever banished from their house, I was to not try and make any contact with their child and also was made to apologize and tell her that what I said was untrue!

My friend still believes in Santa, I still don't and in fact I have more hatred towards him now. She got that doll, I didn't. She got extra love and affection from every one; I was sneered, jeered, yelled at, ignored and taunted at every opportunity. Her mother still hates me, but I'm still friends with her. I still get scared to go to their place for Christmas, lest this conversation comes up in front of 20 other unknown people and I get judged by them!

My two cents in this post are:

1. Santa doesn't exist and even if he does, I hate him!

2. I hate adults.

3. I still want that doll.

4. I haven't warmed up to Christmas.

5. I still enjoy ice cream.

Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy New Year! :)